It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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