She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
