i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
