got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize