There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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