On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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