I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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