I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
