My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
