can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize