this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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