I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
