you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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