Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
