bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
