Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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