alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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