WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
