I wish my penis had an off switch
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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