The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
