Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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