I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
