Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
