Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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