have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
