so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
