I'm laying in your front yard are you home
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
