I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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