Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
