Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
