tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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