hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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