i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
