two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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