Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
How naked do you want me to be?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
