I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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