I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
