omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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