I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This is the high leading the old right now
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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