the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
