How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
