My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
