Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
