You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
