remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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