I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
where are you?
Hypothermia
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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