I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
