i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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