Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
