Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
