my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
