Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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