When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Randomize
