Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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