yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
