On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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