Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
