Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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