Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
